Sep 27, 2011

"That must be why you only have one child"

Sometimes people say things without thinking.  I know I have stuck my foot in my face more times than I care to count.

I have five siblings and we are still best friends.  However, when we were growing up, it wasn't uncommon for at least one fight to break out in the morning, in the bathroom, and someone would usually get pushed.  See, I have a twin sister and a sister less than 2 years older.  Teenage girls can be vicious, hormonal people.  The three of us getting ready for school in the morning wasn't a memory my parents want to remember.

When people hear that I had 5 siblings, the first thing most of them say is "That must be why you only have one child."  I feel like explaining to them what I am about to explain to you.  I like you guys a lot, so here goes the explanation.

My husband and I got pregnant with our son the first month we were together.  No trying necessary.  We were blessed with the healthy little baby within the same year.

M when he was two.
My husband and I started trying for the second child when my son was about 18 months old.  We couldn't get pregnant.  By the time my son was 6 years old, I was fed up.  I wanted a baby.  Other people were having seconds and thirds by that time.  My friend's third children sent me into a crying fit for days.  I didn't think it was fair when I was trying and doing everything I should be that they were having so many babies   I would go home and tell my husband that we better get pregnant this time.  I was tired of taking the pregnancy test and the same thing happening.  Not pregnant.  Not pregnant.  I could keep going, but you are smart people.  You get the point, I couldn't get pregnant.

Then one day my son was having a tantrum because he wanted something.  He was 7 years old.  One of those awful parenting moments, or life changing moments that you remember forever.

He was screaming, "I want that toy!"
I screamed, "You don't get everything you want!  If I got what I want, I would have a little girl!"

Of course, I didn't mean that I wanted a girl instead of him.  I wanted him, but I wanted a little girl or another little boy.  It was my breaking point.  After that, we tried for a little bit longer, until my sister had her boy that I could hold.  I was honestly tired of trying because nothing ever happened.  It came to the point where IT was more like a baby making job than fun.

My son really is a miracle.  There isn't a reason in the world why we couldn't have more children.  We just couldn't.  I feel calm now knowing that there is nothing I can do.  My marriage is better now that I am not blaming myself or husband for not being able to get pregnant.

My little miracle is 12 years old now.  He will be my only child.  I am so fortunate to have him and love him with all my heart.  If I knew I wouldn't have been able to have any more babies, perhaps I would have cherished the time with him more rather than thinking about another baby.

I hope that all of you get all the children you want.  It is so awful when all a woman or man wants to do is have a little person to raise.


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